Affairs: Emotional Boundaries

So far, we have covered common causes for affairs, how to properly interpret attractive feelings towards others beyond our spouse, and why we need to avoid alone time with the opposite gender. Lastly, we’ll be covering the importance of developing emotional boundaries to prevent affairs. Emotional boundaries are defined as what we choose to share and not share with others. When it comes to the opposite gender beyond our spouse, it’s important to understand what’s permissible to share during conversations and what’s not. Permissible topics include external items, such as what they did over the weekend, how their children are doing, job related tasks, etc. Plenty of married men and women are friends with people of the opposite gender beyond their spouse and sharing external information is fine. However, what people often don’t realize is they need to avoid sharing any type of internal information, such as personal struggles, problems with their kids, turmoil in their marriage, etc. We tend to feel supported and bonded with those we share our internal problems and feelings with. Therefore, without realizing it, these “bonded” feelings can often slip into deeper emotions, putting us at high risk for developing an affair. So, if you’re on Christian dating sites and find someone special, keep this important principle in mind for your possible future marriage.

Affairs-Practical Boundaries

If you’re just now joining us, we’ve been discussing the devastating topic of affairs. So far we have covered some of the possible causes including unmet needs within marriage, our sex-saturated culture, intense pressure and stress, and marital boredom. Next, we discussed how God has wired us to be attracted to others and periodic attraction towards others beyond our spouse is normal. However, when this occurs it’s imperative not to interpret these feelings as meaning we have married the wrong person or that we no longer love our spouse, which could lead to devastating consequences. Today, we’ll begin exploring practical ideas on how to reduce the risk of having an affair. Those in the Christian dating scene may want to pay particularly close attention so you can enter your future marriage with wisdom and caution. One of the most important steps in preventing an affair is to never be alone with the opposite sex beyond your spouse. Billy Graham reportedly followed this policy and is one of the only worldwide ministry leaders who has never fallen sexually. Some common scenarios could include a married woman commuting to work with her male colleague, traveling with her male associate, having lunch with her male assistant, etc. Stories have even been reported of a man and woman; both married to other people, getting together as prayer partners and eventually having an affair. The bottom line is that our flesh is weak and if put in the right circumstances, any one of us could fall. Therefore, play it safe and remember to avoid being alone with the opposite gender beyond your spouse to protect your integrity and marriage.

Affairs-Misinterpreting Our Feelings

Last week we began the important discussion of affairs and covered the possible causes including unmet needs, our sex-saturated culture, escape, and boredom. It’s important for Christian singles to be cognizant of these contributors so they can enter marriage with discernment on how to make their relationship “affair proof.” Another important item to explore is the misinterpretation of our sexual feelings. God created us to be sexually attracted to others. This desire often leads to dating and eventually marriage. However, many do not realize that feeling attracted towards others doesn’t “turn off” just because you get married. Obviously, attraction towards others usually decreases as our spouse becomes our primary object of attraction and sexual energy. But, this design blueprint of being attracted towards others tends to persist even after saying “I Do.” For example, a married woman may find her male colleague attractive who she works with every day. Or, a married man may find his female waitress attractive at the coffee shop he frequents weekly. Unfortunately, many people misinterpret these attractive feelings to mean they must have married the wrong person. They mistakenly assume if they really loved their spouse, they wouldn’t feel attracted towards anyone else, which is false. Instead, people need to accept that occasional attraction towards others is normal, is part of God’s original wiring, and in no way indicates they do not love their spouse or that they married the wrong person. How one interprets these feelings greatly influences their choices, which can lead to healthy outcomes, or dire consequences. The next two weeks we’ll explore these choices and strategies for making healthy ones. If you feel others would be interested in this blog, be sure to paste this link to your Facebook page.

Affairs-Causes

Having an emotional and/or sexual affair with someone is one of the quickest ways to kill your marriage. However, despite this knowledge, affairs continue to happen every day. Affairs can range from mild one time flirtations to completely entrenched sexual relations for years. Like nothing else, affairs can cause an enormous amount of pain and rejection for the faithful spouse that can sometimes last a lifetime. So, it’s wise for Christian singles to become educated on this issue and what may cause it. The causes of affairs are complex and multifaceted. One possible reason is not having one’s needs met within marriage. Every spouse has needs, whether it be physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, quality time, etc. and when those needs are not met people are more vulnerable to getting those needs met elsewhere. A second possible reason is our highly “sexed” culture. Most people are bombarded with sexual images, advertisements, and programming at every turn. These constant messages often communicate “sex is wonderful, sex is everywhere, sex is casual.” A third possible reason is escape. Often, when stress levels reach unmanageable levels, people begin looking for an escape and affairs often serve that purpose. A fourth possible reason is boredom. Sometimes couples can get stuck in the same dry routine day in and day out and an affair may seem like an exciting alternative. So, for those of you in the Christian dating scene, be mindful of these causes of affairs as you enter into your own possible future marriage.

Staying Committed-Divorce

So far, we’ve covered much ground discussing the possible reasons for divorce, including our instant gratification culture and the contractual approach to marriage. In addition, we’ve discussed the covenant approach to marriage as an alternative, where commitment is lifelong despite periods of strain, conflict, and sacrifice within the relationship. At this point, some Christian singles might be wondering when and if divorce is ever an acceptable option. Therefore, we’ll turn our attention towards that topic now.

Even though the covenant approach to marriage is the Biblical ideal, there are a few occurrences when most Christians would agree divorce is acceptable. The first is sexual infidelity. If a partner has had an affair and is not willing to end it, repent, and work to improve the marriage, divorce is an option. The second is any form of abuse within the marriage, whether it be emotional, physical, or sexual. When these destructive behaviors are occurring and the perpetrator is not willing to receive proper treatment, divorce is an option. God does not want us to stay in marriages where we are being abused in any way. The third is abandonment. If someone abandons their marriage partner with no sign of returning, divorce is a viable option. God wants us to strive towards lifelong commitment within marriage; however, the above examples are understandable exceptions to the rule.

So, for those of you in the Christian dating scene, strive towards a lifelong marital commitment but remember these few exceptions.

Staying Committed-Covenant

We’ve been discussing some of the possible reasons for the high divorce rate in our country. First, we covered our instant gratification culture encouraging us to get our needs met immediately, have continuous pleasure, and replace whatever isn’t working with something better. Next, we covered contract marriages where commitment is entirely contingent upon emotions and how “in love” one feels, making divorce a viable option when those feelings dissipate. The next concept Christian singles need to be mindful of is the covenant approach to marriage.

“…Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended” (Mathew 19:8, NLT). Divorce was not a part of God’s original design. His desire is for marriage to be a lifelong commitment, referred to as the covenant approach to marriage. The covenant approach says that regardless of my feelings, regardless of the inevitable problems that will arise, and regardless of the occasional seasons of marital drought, I’m committed to you through it all. Within this unconditional marital environment, couples are free to feel completely accepted and loved, leading to unsurpassed intimacy and joy. In addition, this level of marital commitment maximizes a couple’s willingness to resolve conflicts and challenges because divorce is no longer an easy out.

So, be sure to enter the Christian dating scene with the covenant approach in mind.

Staying Committed-Contract

Last week we discussed one of the possible causes of the high divorce rate being instant gratification. Our culture promotes getting our needs met immediately, having non-stop pleasure, and replacing whatever isn’t working for something better. Not surprisingly, these themes have influenced many people’s approach to marriage, perhaps without them even realizing it. Related to this concept is one’s underlying view of marriage. Our perspective towards marriage greatly influences what approach we’ll take within it, especially during difficult times.

The majority of people today approach marriage as a contract. A contract perspective refers to staying committed as long as one feels happy and in love. However, if and when those feelings dissipate, divorce becomes a viable option. Without realizing it, many people, including Christians, have internalized this approach to marriage. However, there are several problems to this perspective. First, the entire marital commitment is based on emotions, which can be fickle at best. Marital commitment needs to be based on a cognitive decision, not feelings that continually ebb and flow. Second, if marital commitment is contingent upon how happy one feels, people will not fully work through problems when they occur. Instead, problems may indicate the need for a divorce rather than an opportunity to fully tackle the root of the issue and resolve it. Third, it’s unrealistic to always feel positive during marriage because every marriage goes through seasons of harvest and drought. Expecting to always feel madly in love within marriage is not realistic.

Christian singles in the Christian dating scene need to be mindful of this contractual approach to marriage to ensure they don’t follow suit.